You know how hard it is for you to be around someone who has wronged you badly in the past? Well, I spent almost the whole weekend with a family member who wronged me very badly in the past and I realized that I suppress a lot of feelings when I am around the said family member. I want to document the feelings so that I remember them for later. So here goes nothing.
The first feeling I noted was contempt. How dare this family member act like nothing is different between us and how can this family member even not feel the slightest bit guilty for what they did to me?
The next feeling I felt was fear. What if they do it again? What if I am tempting them to do what they did again?
The next feeling was anxiety. I didn't sleep well, I felt like they could strike at any time and I couldn't be alone with them. I felt like I couldn't relax around them and was nervous constantly.
The worst feeling I had though: I felt like I couldn't be myself. I couldn't be the person I am coming to enjoy and love. That was the worst feeling EVER and it made me SO tired. Putting on a face so that everyone believes you to be happy and enjoying life is HARD! I don't know how people can live double lives... oh wait! I DO! I DO live a double life. I outwardly let people believe that I am happy and that my depression has NOT been kicking my ass for the last month and a half. I have to hide the fact that my anxiety was kicking up like CRAZY all weekend with my entire family being there. I had to pretend that I didn't hear a little voice inside me most of the weekend telling me that it's all my fault. Telling me that I'm the only one who cares. Telling me that no one truly cares about me. They just want to see me happy, they don't want to hear about my depression and my annoyance and my anxiety and my internal struggle.
Sorry, this is such a down and out post, but I needed to get this off my chest. I felt the urge to document this.
Keep On Being Awesome,
Cass
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